MARRIAGE-CONFLICTS
I can tell
you without any fear of contradiction or oversimplification that the root cause
of all marriage conflicts is selfishness. I can say that because there's
probably no better practical synonym for the concept of sin than selfishness.
Sin (i.e., selfishness) is at the heart of all marriage problems.
The Complete Husband, Calvary
Press, 1999, www.calvarypress.com.
People “fall
in love” because they want to. When you “fell in love” with your wife, you were
not struck with some external force such as Cupid’s arrow. Neither were you
dazzled by some external influence such as Love Potion #9. The romantic
feelings you enjoyed, which you claim to have now lost, were of your own
making. They were created in your own heart. They, like your other feelings,
were largely the result of your thoughts and ways. You “fell in love” with your
spouse as a result of what you did to,
for, and with her and as a result of what you told yourself about her. You created those romantic feelings, and
by God’s grace, you can make them come back.
Lou
Priolo
Divorce: Before You Say “I Don’t,” 2007,
P&R, p. 18-19. Used by Permission.
One of the things
that can help very different spouses the most (in conflict resolution) is
growth in God's Word. The more we have God's Word in common as husbands
and wives, the more we will agree. The more each mind is renewed (changed)
by the Scripture, the more similarly a couple will think (Romans
12:2). One of the worst things a couple can do is work to change one
another into each other's likeness. They are to be changed, rather, into
Christ's likeness. The more a couple works at love and becoming one, the
more differences will be accepted and blended to enhance the marriage.
Stuart Scott
The Exemplary Husband, Focus, 2000, p. 244.
1. First, make a full list of all the
things that you have been doing wrong in your marriage.
2. Second, confess your sins in
repentance to God.
3. Third, determine to change according
to Biblical precepts and examples, and write out specific proposals next to
each item on the list.
4. Fourth, go humbly to your husband or
wife…and admit your sins against them, telling them that you have sought and
found God’s forgiveness and now desire theirs.
5. Fifth, having received forgiveness,
seek to rectify any wrongs immediately whenever that is possible.
Christian Living in the Home, P&R
Publishing, 1972, p. 139-140, Used by Permission.
There's no
gridlock with God…no stalemate…no tie game. If a husband and wife have talked
things out, but cannot come to agreement on a matter, the Bible teaches that
the husband's authority prevails. By divine design God has entrusted to the
husband leadership and authority with which to wisely and lovingly rule the
household. The husband is not guaranteed the smartest decisions--but God does
expect him to exercise leadership in the home and to have the power to veto
(break up an impasse with his vote). However, this does not give him the right
to be arrogant and to flaunt his authority, or to run roughshod over other
family members' feelings. He has no right to refuse to listen to his wife, to
withdraw from confrontational discussions, to act in anger, or to act in a
non-understanding way (1 Peter 3:7). He has no right to exasperate his children
or anyone else in the family. He must love his wife even as Christ loves the
church and gave Himself up for it.
Because of the Biblical doctrine of “male headship,” I place (and I
believe God places) the brunt of the responsibility for family growth,
happiness, and harmony, upon the husband. Since he is the one entrusted with
leadership, he is the one chiefly responsible for leading the family towards
the goal of Christlikeness.
Peter Wise
Many
conflicts in a marriage result from living to please self instead of living to
please the Lord. These conflicts can be resolved and are actually opportunities
for spiritual growth when dealt with in a biblical manner.
Biblical Counseling Foundation
Self-Confrontation Manuel, Lesson
14, Page 6, Used by Permission of the Biblical Counseling Foundation.
Like Elijah,
Jeremiah, Jesus, or Paul, you may be experiencing intense loneliness. A woman
does not have to be single to be lonely. She can be married and living with her
husband. In fact, her loneliness may be exaggerated because of feeling trapped
in a marriage with a man who is withdrawn and aloof. Elijah and Jeremiah were
overwhelmed with their loneliness. Jesus and Paul were not. The difference is
Elijah and Jeremiah felt sorry for themselves while
Jesus and Paul sought refuge in God.
Martha Peace
The Excellent Wife, Focus
Publishing Incorporated, p. 229.
A profound
understanding and fear of God’s wrath is exactly what many marriages need,
because without it, the gospel is diluted down to mere human relations and
loses its biblical glory. Without a biblical view of God’s wrath, you will be
tempted to think that your wrath –
your anger – against your spouse is simply too big to overcome, because you
have never really tasted what it is like to see an infinitely greater wrath
overcome by grace, namely, God’s wrath against you.
John Piper
This
Momentary Marriage – A Parable of Permanence, Desiring God Foundation, 2008, p.
44-45, www.DesiringGod.org.
The gospel of
Christ crucified for our sins is the foundation of our lives. Marriage exists
to display it. And when marriage breaks down, the gospel is there to forgive
and heal and sustain until He comes, or until He calls.
John
Piper
What God Has Joined Together, Let Not Man Separate, Part 2, July
1, 2007. www.DesiringGod.org, Used by Permission.
In every
marriage that ends in disaster, some stupid decisions were made with respect to
God’s regulations. If God’s regulations were followed scrupulously, not only
would there be no divorces; there would be no unhappy marriages. To violate the
regulations of God is not only an exercise in disobedience but also an exercise
in foolishness. If you want a happy marriage, the most intelligent thing you
can do is to submit to God’s regulations. They are designed to promote and protect
your full happiness.
R.C. Sproul
The
Intimate Marriage, P&R Publishing, 1975, p. 149-150.
To solve a
marriage problem, you have to talk with each other about it, choosing wisely
the time and place. But when accusations and lengthy speeches of defense fill
the dialogue, the partners are not talking to each other but past each other.
Take care to listen more than you speak. If you still can’t agree on a
solution, consider asking a third party, without a vested interest, to mediate.
R.C. Sproul
The
Intimate Marriage, P&R Publishing, 1975, p. 68.
Remember
still that you are both diseased persons, full of infirmities; and therefore
expect the fruit of those infirmities in each other; and make not a strange
matter of it, as if you had never known of it before. If you had married one
that is lame, would you be angry at her for [limping]? Or if you had married
one that had a putrid ulcer, would you fall out with her because it stinketh? Did you not know beforehand, that you married a
person of such weakness, as would yield you some manner of daily trial and
offense? If you could not bear this, you should not have married her; if you
resolved that you could bear it then, you are obliged to bear it now. Resolve
therefore to bear with one another; as remembering that you took one another as
sinful, frail, imperfect, persons, not as angels, or as blameless and perfect .
Richard
Baxter
A Christian Directory from Baxter’s Practical
Works: v. 1, p. 125.