MARRIAGE-ROLES-MEN

A famous cigarette billboard pictures a curly-headed, bronze-faced, muscular macho with a cigarette hanging out the side of his mouth. The sign says, "Where a man belongs." That is a lie. Where a man belongs is at the bedside of his children, leading in devotion and prayer. Where a man belongs is leading his family to the house of God. Where a man belongs is up early and alone with God seeking vision and direction for the family.

John Piper

Desiring God, 1996, p. 185, Used by Permission, www.desiringGod.org.

As Jesus says in Luke 22:26, “Let the leader become as one who serves.” The husband who plops himself down in front of the TV and orders his wife around like a slave has abandoned the way of Christ. Jesus bound Himself with a towel and washed the apostles’ feet. Woe to the husband who thinks his maleness requires of him a domineering, demanding attitude toward his wife. If you want to be a Christian husband, you become a servant, not a boss.

John Piper

Desiring God, 1996, p. 184, Used by Permission, www.desiringGod.org.

Headship is the divine calling of a husband to take primary responsibility for Christlike, servant leadership, protection, and provision in the home.

John Piper

This Momentary Marriage – A Parable of Permanence, Desiring God Foundation, 2008, p. 80, www.DesiringGod.org.

When Adam and Eve sinned in the garden and God came to call them to account, it didn’t matter that Eve had sinned first. God said, “Adam, where are you?” (Gen. 3:9). That’s God’s word to the family today: Adam, husband, father, where are you? If something is not working right at [your home] and Jesus comes knocking on the door, He may have an issue with [your] wife, but the first thing He’s going to say when she opens the door is, “Is the man of the house home?” That’s the way it happened in the first marriage. That’s the way it will happen in our marriage.

John Piper

This Momentary Marriage – A Parable of Permanence, Desiring God Foundation, 2008, p. 92, www.DesiringGod.org.

There is no necessary connection between being an effective leader and being more intellectual or more competent than your wife. Leadership does not assume it is superior. It assumes it should take initiative. See that the family prays, and reads the Bible, and goes to church, and discusses spiritual and moral issues, and learns to use the means of grace, and grows in knowledge, and watches your example in all these things.

John Piper

This Momentary Marriage – A Parable of Permanence, Desiring God Foundation, 2008, p. 89, www.DesiringGod.org.

What women rightly long for is spiritual and moral initiative from a man, not spiritual and moral domination.

John Piper

This Momentary Marriage – A Parable of Permanence, Desiring God Foundation, 2008, p. 89, www.DesiringGod.org.

(To fulfill their God-given role, husbands are to:) Take the initiative to be the spiritual leader in the home - to pray, to worship at church, and to study God's Word. Take the initiative to see that finances are in order, needs are met and your wife feels financially secure. Take the initiative to ask forgiveness, resolve conflict and ensure your home is a place of encouragement and safety.

Dennis Rainey

Preparing for Marriage, 1997, p. 170, Gospel Light/Regal Books, Ventura, CA 93003, Used by Permission.

Biblically speaking, there are no exceptions or exemptions for a father when it comes to overseeing family responsibilities. This does not mean, of course, that he is to do all the work, but ultimately he is responsible to make sure that all members of his family are loved, cared for, encouraged, and taught God’s truth. In turn, he is responsible for each person to function properly (according to age levels) within this God-ordained social unit.

Gene Getz

Elders and Leaders, Moody, 2003, p. 265.

If love has grown cold in your family, husband, you must do something about it. If you are going to emulate the love of Jesus Christ for His church, it is up to you to initiate love… Jesus loved us when we had no love for Him. You are the head of your home. If there is little or no love in that home, it is your fault. God holds you responsible to introduce love. You must do that by giving.

Jay E. Adams

Christian Living in the Home, P&R Publishing, 1972, p. 101, Used by Permission.

To be like Jesus Christ in relationship to your wife is an enormous order to fill. You are to be the head of your home, including your wife, just as Christ is the head of the church. When you fail, you not only fail your wife, you also fail to represent your Lord’s love for His church. That is why your task is such a solemn one. When you fail to reflect Him in your marriage, you damage His name. You are called to show forth Jesus Christ by the leadership that you exercise in your home.

Jay E. Adams

Christian Living in the Home, P&R Publishing, 1972, p. 89, Used by Permission.

Husband’s Checklist:

1. Do I know what is going on in my home from day to day?

2. Am I in control of what is happening; indeed, am I leading the family in the direction in which it is moving?

3. Can I control my children and my wife?

4. Do I truly love my wife (by giving of myself to her), as I should? How am I demonstrating this?

5. Do I assume responsible leadership over my family?

Jay E. Adams

Christian Living in the Home, P&R Publishing, 1972, p. 102, Used by Permission.

A good husband will either make a good wife, or easily and profitably endure a bad one.

Richard Baxter

The Special Duties of Husbands to Their Wives, A Christian Directory, 1637.

The man who sanctifies his wife understands that this is his divinely ordained responsibility… Is my wife more like Christ because she is married to me? Or is she like Christ in spite of me? Has she shrunk from His likeness because of me? Do I sanctify her or hold her back? Is she a better woman because she is married to me?

R. Kent Hughes

Disciplines of a Godly Man, Crossway Books, 1991, p. 37-38.

Marriage is a call to die (to self), and a man who does not die for his wife does not come close to the love to which he is called. Christian marriage vows are the inception of a lifelong practice of death, of giving over not only all you have, but all you are. Is this a grim gallows call? Not at all! It is no more grim than dying to self and following Christ. In fact, those who lovingly die for their wives are those who know the most joy, have the most fulfilling marriages, and experience the most love.

R. Kent Hughes

Disciplines of a Godly Man, Crossway Books, 1991, p. 35-36.

Fifty-fifty marriages are an impossibility. They do not work. They cannot work. In marriage someone has to be the final decision maker. Someone has to delegate responsibility, and God has ordained that this should be the husband.

Wayne Mack

Strengthening Your Marriage, 1999, P&R, p. 37, Used by Permission

The Christian is supposed to love his neighbor, and since his wife is his nearest neighbor, she should be his deepest love.

Martin Luther

Christian Reader, v. 32, n. 3.

There's no gridlock with God…no stalemate…no tie game. If a husband and wife have talked things out, but cannot come to agreement on a matter, the Bible teaches that the husband's authority prevails. By divine design God has entrusted to the husband leadership and authority with which to wisely and lovingly rule the household. The husband is not guaranteed the smartest decisions--but God does expect him to exercise leadership in the home and to have the power to veto (break up an impasse with his vote). However, this does not give him the right to be arrogant and to flaunt his authority, or to run roughshod over other family members' feelings. He has no right to refuse to listen to his wife, to withdraw from confrontational discussions, to act in anger, or to act in a non-understanding way (1 Peter 3:7). He has no right to exasperate his children or anyone else in the family. He must love his wife even as Christ loves the church and gave Himself up for it. Because of the Biblical doctrine of 'male headship,' I place (and I believe God places) the brunt of the responsibility for family growth, happiness, and harmony, upon the husband. Since he is the one entrusted with leadership, he is the one chiefly responsible for leading the family towards the goal of Christlikeness.

Peter Wise

When Adam was away, Eve was made a prey.

Henry Smith

A Puritan Golden Treasury, compiled by I.D.E. Thomas, by permission of Banner of Truth, Carlisle, PA. 2000, p. 180.

Headship is not a ticket to privilege but a charge to responsibility. It is not tyranny, but leadership based on love.

Erroll Hulse

Quoted in: BP News, By Jeff Robinson, Puritan beliefs about family life can prove helpful today, he says, Jul 29, 2002.

God also places a man in a relationship with a woman so that she will grow spiritually within the safe confines of his loving care. This is masculine love, as defined by God: to nurture and to protect. Men are to show a protective and nurturing concern for women that equals (or surpasses) their instinctive concern for their own bodies. As Christian men do this, the women in their lives will shine with the spiritual beauty that is precious to God.

Richard D. Phillips and Sharon L. Phillips

Holding Hands and Holding Hearts, P&R, 2006, p. 73. Used by Permission.

God’s covenant faithfulness is our measure, our norm. The faithful love of Christ models the Christian man’s marriage covenant. Jesus does not love the church because it is pure and spotless – He purifies the church in order to make it spotless. Just so, godly husbands love their wives despite their wives’ blemishes, not until they get blemishes. Thus we do not size up our wives each week to decide if we will love them a while longer. The idea of ever-fresh decisions, even decisions to stay faithful, is naïve.

Dan Doriani

The Life of a God-Made Man, P&R Publishing, 2001, p. 61.

Husbands must know, bestow and show the Word.

Author Unknown

When the New Testament speaks of the church’s glory, it is speaking of its dignity. By analogy, the husband is called to give himself to the purpose of establishing his wife in the fullness of dignity. When he uses his authority to destroy his wife’s dignity, he becomes the direct antithesis of Christ. He mirrors not Christ but the Antichrist.

R.C. Sproul

The Intimate Marriage, P&R Publishing, 1975, p. 57-58.

Marriage is a picture of Christ and the church. It is a sacred mystery. In fact, the sacredness of Christ’s church is linked to the sacredness of marriage. Christ is the heavenly Bridegroom and the church is His bride (Revelation 21:9). Marriage illustrates this union. The husband is called to be Christlike in his love for his wife because this protects the sacredness of the divine object lesson. The Christian husband therefore displays what he thinks of Christ by the way he treats his wife. And marriage itself is a sacred institution because of what it illustrates.

John MacArthur

Successful Christian Parenting, Word Publishing, 1998, p. 180.

Marriage itself is consummated with the literal bodily union of husband and wife. From that point on, the husband should regard the wife as his own flesh. If she hurts, he ought to feel the pain. If she has needs, he should embrace those needs as his own. He should seek to feel what she feels, desire what she desires, and in effect, give her the same care and consideration he gives his own body.

John MacArthur

What higher motive could there be for the husband to love his wife? By loving her as Christ loved the church, he honors Christ in the most direct and graphic way. He becomes the embodiment of Christ’s love to his own wife, a living example to the rest of his family, a channel of blessing to his entire household, and a powerful testimony to a watching world.

John MacArthur

The woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to top him, nor out of his feet to be trampled on by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be loved by him.

Matthew Henry

Quoted in: Who Are the Puritans? Erroll Hulse, Evangelical Press, p. 141.

A husband is to love his wife. Such love never demands obedience. It never demands anything; it seeks not to be served, but to serve…The measure of the love required by the husband is to be well noted, “just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” This is a lofty standard. How did Christ show His love for His Church? Think of His gentleness to His friends, His patience with them in all their faultiness, His thoughtfulness, His unwearying kindness. Never did a harsh word fall from His lips upon their ears. Never did He do anything to give them pain. It was not easy for Him at all times to maintain such constancy and such composure and quietness of love toward them; for they were very faulty, and tried Him in a thousand ways. But His affection never wearied nor failed for an instant. Husbands are to love their wives even as Christ also loved the Church, and gave Himself up for it. He loved even to the cost of utmost self sacrifice.

J.R. Miller

Secrets of Happy Home Life.

In every society, there must be authority vested somewhere, and some ultimate authority, some last and highest tribunal established, from the decision of which there lies no appeal. In the family constitution this authority rests in the husband – he is the head, the law-giver, the ruler. In all matters concerning the “little world in the house,” he is to direct, not indeed without taking counsel with his wife. But in all differences of view, he is to decide – unless he chooses to waive his right; and to his decision the wife should yield, and yield with grace and cheerfulness.

J.A. James

The Christian Wife, 1828.