PARENTING-GUIDELINES-CHRISTIAN

1. Subdue self-will in a child and thus work together with God to save his soul.

2. Teach him to pray as soon as he can speak.

3. Give him nothing he cries for and only what is good for him if he asks for it politely.

4. To prevent lying, punish no fault which is freely confessed, but never allow a rebellious, sinful act to go unnoticed.

5. Commend and reward good behavior.

6. Strictly observe all promises you have made to your child.

Susannah Wesley

Rules For Raising Children.

We learn from Jesus that we should not look down on children because they are not fully grown and hence are of lower social status than adults. Like Jesus, we should treat children with respect and dignity, as unique and precious creatures made by God and valuable in His sight. What is more, contrary to our national inclination that may tell us that we can learn nothing from children and that the relationship is strictly one-way from parent or adult to child, we should look at children also from the vantage point of desirable kingdom traits they may exemplify in a more pronounced way than we do ourselves.

Andreas Kostenberger
God, Marriage and Family, Crossway, 2004, p. 114.

It is critical that parents teach children the importance of obedience. Parents who neglect to hold their children accountable for rendering obedience fail them in that they do not help them along the path of Christian discipleship, of which obedience is a central component. Hence the primary importance of obedience is not for parents to receive their children's obedience, but for parents to help children to learn to exercise obedience ultimately in their relationship with God.

Andreas Kostenberger
God, Marriage and Family, Crossway, 2004, p. 117.

Parents who want a child to live wisely must train him according to the wisdom of God. Put him under the church's teaching. Pray for him. Do not indulge him by allowing him to rule the family; instead, rule him with firm and consistent love. Be in travail to see Christ formed in his soul.

Author Unknown

What we desperately need is a return to the biblical principles of parenting. Christian parents don’t need new, shrink-wrapped programs; they need to apply and obey consistently the few simple principles that are clearly set forth for parents in God’s Word, such as these: Constantly teach your kids the truth of God’s Word (Dt. 6:7). Discipline them when they do wrong (Pr. 23:13-14). And don’t provoke them to anger (Col. 3:21). Those few select principles alone, if consistently applied, would have a far greater positive impact for the typical struggling parent than hours of discussion about whether babies should be given pacifiers, or what age kids should be before they’re permitted to choose their own clothes, or dozens of similar issues that consume so much time in the typical parenting program.

John MacArthur

Successful Christian Parenting, 1998, p. 12

We would not be surprised if the apostle Paul took a whole chapter, or even an entire epistle, to outline the responsibilities of parents. Instead, he summarized all of parenting in a single verse, and he was able to do so because the task is so highly defined. “Bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.”

John MacArthur

Successful Christian Parenting, 1998, p. 44

What Scripture says about parenting is actually quite simple and straightforward: You have a depraved and foolish child, and if you want him not to be so foolish, spank him (Proverbs 22:15). You have a solemn responsibility before God to provide an environment of nurture and instruction where your child will constantly be exposed to God’s truth (Deuteronomy 6:6-7). In short, you need to be careful not to provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4).

John MacArthur

Successful Christian Parenting, 1998, p. 156

Don’t just teach your children external self-control; train them to understand temptation and resist it. Don’t just teach them manners; teach them why pride is sinful and why greed, lust, selfishness, and covetousness dishonor God. Punish them for external offenses, but teach them that the root issue is always a deeper problem – corruption in their hearts. When you correct them, don’t do it merely to satisfy you as the offended, irritated, frustrated parent. That’s anger; it’s vengeance. But when you correct them help them to see that it is first of all God who has been offended and that He offers reconciliation through Jesus Christ (2 Corinthians 5:20).

John MacArthur

Successful Christian Parenting, 1998, p. 149

There is a true sense in which you must teach your children to fear God, and especially to fear His displeasure. You have not satisfied the responsibilities of parenthood when you have made your child submit to you. If you are consistent and firm in your discipline, your child may obey you because he or she fears violating your standards. That is a fairly easy thing to achieve. But it is not the proper goal of biblical parenting. Your child should fear violating God’s standard, not merely yours. You are only an intermediary with the responsibility of teaching your child to fear God. If your children grow up fearing only your displeasure but not God’s, what will they do when you are not there?

John MacArthur

Successful Christian Parenting, 1998, p. 79.

There are really two major obstacles all parents face in teaching their children to obey: not only is the world they live in corrupt, but they themselves are sinful creatures too. They face a difficult struggle both inside and outside.

John MacArthur

The Fulfilled Family, 2005, p. 87.

Children have a heart problem. They are constitutionally sinful. Like their parents, and like the rest of the Adamic race, they are fallen. What they need most are regenerate hearts. This is the most fundamental issue in parenting. It’s not ultimately about behavior; it’s all about the child’s heart.

John MacArthur

The Fulfilled Family, 2005, p. 114.

A study was conducted several years ago covering a span of years by sociologists Sheldon and Eleanor Glueck from Harvard and they identified after all of this study four crucial factors in predicting children who were not delinquents. This was a multi-year study and it was found to be 90 percent accurate. They said these are the four essential factors to prevent delinquency, just purely from the observation of those worldly people. One, the father’s discipline, fair, firm and consistent. Two, the mother’s supervision in the home, knowing where the children are all the time, knowing what they’re doing and being available to them. Three, the parents unceasing affection demonstrated to each other and to the children frequently. And fourthly, the family's cohesiveness, time spent together.

John MacArthur

How can you provoke your child into anger (Eph. 6:24)? …Here are some easy steps:

1. Spoil him.

2. Give him everything he wants, even more than you can afford. Just charge it so you can get him off your back.

3. When he does wrong, nag him a little but don’t spank him.

4. Foster his dependence on you. Don’t teach him to be independently responsible. Maintain his dependence on you so later drugs and alcohol can replace you when he’s older.

5. Protect him from all those mean teachers who want to discipline him from time to time. And threaten to sue them if they don’t let him alone.

6. Make all of his decisions for him because he might make mistakes and learn from them if you don’t.

7. Criticize his father to him, or his mother, so your son or daughter will lose respect for his parents.

8. Whenever he gets into trouble, bail him out. Besides if he faces any real consequence, it might hurt your reputation.

9. Never let him suffer the consequences of his behavior. Always step in and solve his problems for him so he will depend on you and run to you when the going gets tough and never learn how to solve his problems.

10. If you want to turn your child into a delinquent, let him express himself anyway he feels like it.

11. Don't run his life, let him run yours.

12. Don't bother him with chores. Do everything for him then he can be irresponsible all his life and blame others when things don’t get done right.

13. Be sure to give in when he throws a temper tantrum.

14. Believe his lies because it’s too much hassle to try to sort through to get the truth.

15. Criticize others openly; criticize others routinely so that he will continue to realize that he is better than everybody else.

16. Give him a big allowance and don’t make him do anything for it.

17. Praise him for his good looks, never for character.

John MacArthur

How do parents provoke their children? Here are some of the ways:

1. Overprotection

2. Favoritism

3. Overemphasizing achievement

4. Overindulgence

5. Discouragement

6. Failure to make personal sacrifices

7. Failure to allow for childish limitations

8. Neglect

9. Physical and verbal abuse.

John MacArthur

The Puritan ethic of marriage was to look not for a partner whom you do love passionately at this moment, but rather for one whom you can love steadily as your best friend for life, and then to proceed with God's help to do just that. The Puritan ethic of nurture was to train up children in the way they should go, to care for their bodies and souls together, and to educate them for sober, godly, socially useful adult living. The Puritan way of home life was based on maintaining order, courtesy and family worship. Goodwill, patience, consistency and an encouraging attitude were seen as the essential domestic virtues.

Erroll Hulse

Who Are the Puritans? Evangelical Press, p. 139

Your children should love the Lord, work hard, and experience the joy of trusting God. More important than leaving your children an inheritance is leaving them a spiritual heritage. If you left your children money they didn't need, and if they were thinking correctly, wouldn't they give it to God anyway? Then why not give it to God yourself, since He entrusted it to you?

Randy Alcorn

[Mothers], our daughters will be products of their theology. Their knowledge – or lack of knowledge – of who God is and what He has done for them will show up in every attitude, action, and relationship. Their worldview will be determined by their belief system. We must teach our daughters that their value and identity lie in the fact that they are image-bearers of the God of glory. This will protect them from seeking significance in the inconsequential shallowness of self-fulfillment, personal happiness, materialism, or others’ approval. Our daughters must know the wondrous truth that their overarching purpose in life is God’s glory.

Susan Hunt

Taken from: Biblical Womanhood in the Home by Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Crossway, 2002, p. 150.

Parents provoke their children to anger by not practicing biblical love, not considering their children as more important than themselves, and not dying to self to become a servant of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Biblical Counseling Foundation

Self-Confrontation Manuel, Lesson 16, Page 10, Used by Permission of the Biblical Counseling Foundation.

Parents, when you give in to anger, resentment or self-pity at your children’s bad behavior, you make yourself the center of the problem. You are loving yourself first and most. You must love your kids enough to show them the danger of their behavior. They need to see that their first problem is with God, and only secondarily with you.

John A. Younts

Everyday Talk, Talking Freely and Naturally about God with Your Children, Shepherd Press, 2004, p. 64, Used by Permission.

If you neglect to instruct (your children) in the way of holiness, will the devil neglect to instruct them in the way of wickedness? No; if you will not teach them to pray, he will to curse, swear, and lie; if ground be uncultivated, weeds will spring.

John Flavel

A Puritan Golden Treasury, compiled by I.D.E. Thomas, by permission of Banner of Truth, Carlisle, PA. 2000, p. 204.

Parents, determine to make your children obey you, though it may cost you a lot of trouble, and cost them many tears. Let there be no questioning, and reasoning, and disputing, and delaying. When you give them a command, let them clearly see that you expect them to do it.

J.C. Ryle

The Duties of Parents.

Teach them to obey while they are young, or else they will be protesting against God all their lives, and wear themselves out with the vain idea of being independent of His control… That child's character in the end will be self-will, pride, and conceit. Is it any wonder that men refuse to obey their Father who is in heaven, if you allow them, when children, to disobey their father who is on earth.

J.C. Ryle

The Duties of Parents.

Remember, (your child’s) behavior does not just spring forth uncaused. His behavior – the things he says and does – reflects his heart. If you are to really help him, you must be concerned with the attitudes of heart that drive his behavior. A change in behavior that does not stem from a change in heart is not commendable; it is condemnable. Is it not the hypocrisy that Jesus condemned in the Pharisees? In Matthew 15, Jesus denounces the Pharisees who honored Him with their lips while their hearts were far from Him. Jesus censures them as people who wash the outside of the cup while the inside is still unclean. Yet this is what we often do in child-rearing. We demand changed behavior and never address the heart that drives the behavior.

Tedd Tripp

Shepherding a Child’s Heart, Shepherd Press, 1995, p. 20-21. Used by Permission.

Behavior is heart driven, therefore, correction, discipline and training – all parenting – must be addressed to the heart. The fundamental task of parenting is shepherding the hearts of your children.

Tedd Tripp

Shepherding a Child’s Heart, Shepherd Press, 1995, p. 22. Used by Permission.

Determinism makes parents conclude that good shaping influences will automatically produce good children. This often bears bitter fruit later in life. Parents who have an unruly and troublesome teenager or young adult conclude that the problem is the shaping influences they provided. They think if they had made a little better home, things would have turned out OK. They forget that the child is never determined solely by shaping influences of life. Remember that Proverbs 4:23 instructs you that the heart is the fountain from which life flows. Your child’s heart determines how he responds to your parenting.

Tedd Tripp

Shepherding a Child’s Heart, Shepherd Press, 1995, p. 32. Used by Permission.

Communication must be multi-faceted and richly textured. It must include encouragement, correction, rebuke, entreaty, instruction, warning, understanding, teaching and prayer. All these must be part of your interaction with your children.

Tedd Tripp

Shepherding a Child’s Heart, Shepherd Press, 1995, p. 104. Used by Permission.

I have used the phrase “shepherding the heart” to embody the process of guiding our children. It means helping them understand themselves, God’s world, the ways of God, how sin works in the human heart, and how the gospel comes to them at the most profound levels of human need. Shepherding the hearts of children also involves helping them understand their motivations, goals, wants, wishes and desires. It exposes the true nature of reality and encourages faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. You undertake the shepherding process through (this) kind of rich, mulit-faceted communication.

Tedd Tripp

Shepherding a Child’s Heart, Shepherd Press, 1995, p. 114. Used by Permission.

Children trust you when they know you love them and are committed to their good, when they know you understand them, when they know you understand their strengths and weaknesses, when they know that you have invested yourself in encouragement, correction, rebuke, entreaty, instruction, warning, understanding, teaching and prayer. When a child knows that all his life you have sought to see the world through his eyes, and that you have not tried to make him like you or like anyone but a creature God made to know Him and live in the relationship of fellowship and communication with God for which he was made, he will trust you.

Tedd Tripp

Shepherding a Child’s Heart, Shepherd Press, 1995, p. 118. Used by Permission.

You must regard parenting as one of your most important tasks while you have children at home. This is your calling. You must raise your children in the fear and admonition of the Lord. You cannot do so without investing yourself in a life of sensitive communication in which you help them understand life and God’s world. There is nothing more important. You have only a brief season of life to invest yourself in this task. You have only one opportunity to do it. You cannot go back and do it over… To do this job of parenting well, it must be a primary task. It is your primary calling.

Tedd Tripp

Shepherding a Child’s Heart, Shepherd Press, 1995, p. 121. Used by Permission.

Your children are the product of two things. The first – shaping influence, is their physical make-up and their life experience. The second – Godward orientation, determines how they interact with that experience. Parenting involves 1) providing the best shaping influences you can and 2) the careful shepherding of your children’s responses to those influences.

Tedd Tripp

Shepherding a Child’s Heart, Shepherd Press, 1995, p. 148. Used by Permission.

Obedience is out of vogue in our culture. You can find classes that provide assertiveness training. Try to find classes in submissiveness training! Obedience is the willing submission of one person to the authority of another. It means more than a child doing what he is told. It means doing what he is told; Without Challenge, Without Excuse, and Without Delay.

Tedd Tripp

Shepherding a Child’s Heart, Shepherd Press, 1995, p. 160. Used by Permission.

Use working definitions [with your children]:

1. Obedience is doing what someone says, right away, without being reminded.

2. Honor is treating people as special, doing more than what’s expected, and having a good attitude.

3. Perseverance is hanging in there even after you feel like quitting.

4. Attentiveness is showing people you love them by looking at them when they say their words.

5. Patience is waiting with a happy heart.

6. Self-discipline is putting off present rewards for future benefits.

7. Gratefulness is being thankful for the things I have instead of grumbling about the things I don’t have.

Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller
Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids, National Center for Biblical Parenting, 76 Hopatcong Drive, Lawrenceville, NJ 08648, www.biblicalparenting.org, 1-800.771.8334, email parent@biblicalparenting.org.

Our objective should be to so train (our children) that their thoughts and attitudes and actions begin to reflect and manifest a likeness to the lifestyle of a Christian described in the Word of God. Whether they become successful in business, whether they become good athletes or musicians, whether they are handsome or beautiful, whether they get straight A’s in school are matters of little consequence in comparison with the matter of becoming holy and godly and mature Christians.

Wayne A. Mack

Strengthening Your Marriage, P&R Publishing, 1977, p. 150. Used by Permission.