SINGLENESS-DATING-FIRST DATE
A first
date should be safe, relating and fun. It should minimize awkward, compromising
scenes. We think it best if the first date not be a place at night, both to
create a more casual setting and to minimize sexual tension. The goal is to get
to know each other better and to begin the process of sharing that, Lord
willing, may lead to a closer relationship down the road.
Richard D. Phillips
and Sharon L. Phillips
Holding
Hands and Holding Hearts, P&R, 2006, p. 121. Used by Permission.
Some
advice… about first dates. For the man, be polite, well dressed, and on time.
All of these things show respect and consideration. Don’t be so intent on
impressing her with worldly things, such as your car and the money you can
spend, at least if you are hoping for the kind of woman commended in the Bible.
Take her to a place that will make her feel comfortable and safe. Take an
interest in her, and don’t talk all the time. Ask her questions and listen to
what she says in reply. You should be interested in getting to know her heart
and the character of her relationship to Christ. Above all, our Lord commands
you: “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matt. 19:19). Your guiding rule should
be to ensure that a woman who spends time with you is spiritually encouraged by
the experience. You must take responsibility to ensure that conversation is
wholesome and godly. Remember that you are out either with your future wife or
with the future wife of some other Christian man. Start honoring marriage now
(Heb. 13:4), and thus honor God. If this is not the woman whom God has for you
to marry, then assume that her future husband may be on a first date with your future
wife. Do unto him as you would have him do unto you.
Richard D. Phillips
and Sharon L. Phillips
Holding
Hands and Holding Hearts, P&R, 2006, p. 123-124. Used by Permission.
One last
thing for the guys: call her the next day or evening. A woman feels tremendous
anxiety about a first date, even if she isn’t very much interested in the man.
Express appreciation for the time you had together, and communicate to her
where you think things stand. That’s right – it’s what you must do to protect
her heart. If you are sure that you have no further interest, then graciously
let her know that. How about this: “I enjoyed the time we spent together, but I
don’t think I’m really interested in going out again.” Is that cruel? It may
not be good news to her, but if it is true, then it is godly and gracious. How
much better this is than giving polite but false impressions that may encourage
her to cherish false hopes… This kind of follow-up to a first date is more than
a courtesy; it is the reasonable duty of any thoughtful Christian man.
Richard D. Phillips
and Sharon L. Phillips
Holding
Hands and Holding Hearts, P&R, 2006, p. 124-125. Used by Permission.
For the
woman: here is your first-date advice. Remember that God wants you to help this
man, and he probably needs it! Many men will be awkward and nervous on a first
date, so do everything you can to be encouraging and friendly. Dress
attractively, appropriately, and modestly (unless you really are hoping to
attract a cad). Immodest dress or suggestive conversation is nothing less than
an attempt to manipulate his interest. Women who do this incite men to lust and
cause them to stumble, while starting the relationship on a very poor footing.
Furthermore, do not be demanding or critical and do not complain (remember
Prov. 21:9), and speak in a careful and edifying manner. Take an interest in
him and get to know things about his life – his family, his work, and his
interests. Speak freely about your faith and inquire about his.
Richard D. Phillips
and Sharon L. Phillips
Holding
Hands and Holding Hearts, P&R, 2006, p. 125. Used by Permission.
Women,
too, need to remember the appropriate level of commitment and intimacy on a
first date. Guard your heart and your expectations. Do not enter into a first
date dreaming about marriage or trying out his last name with your first name;
be emotionally prepared for it not to work out. One of the reasons the
Christian man may be uneasy about dating is that the risk is too high among
many other believers. If he doesn’t end up marrying her, his name will be mud
with all the other women at church! Such a man fears to date lest he be forced
to leave a church he loves. This kind of situation is unreasonable and unfair;
the woman can help by keeping expectations in check and allowing the man to
interact with her without easily breaking her heart. But insist that he treat
you with respect and care, and do the same to him in return. Like the man, you
should resolve that time he spends in your company will have been to his
spiritual blessing and will have been pleasing to the Lord. If you don’t want to
go out again, be honest. But don’t tell your friends about the things you found
unattractive; protect his reputation and cover his flaws in love.
Richard D. Phillips
and Sharon L. Phillips
Holding
Hands and Holding Hearts, P&R, 2006, p. 126. Used by Permission.
What is
the commitment level on a first date? It is low – brother and sister in Christ.
This certainly calls for care and respect. But it does not make it appropriate
or wise for you to share your dirty laundry and open wide your heart. A first
date is for wholesome interaction and the beginnings of a relationship, and it
should not have the features of intimacy that are safe only in a more committed
relationship. This, of course, means that there should be no sexual contact,
and a godly man communicates respect for a woman’s character by making no such
advances or innuendos.
Richard D. Phillips
and Sharon L. Phillips
Holding
Hands and Holding Hearts, P&R, 2006, p. 124. Used by Permission.