SINGLENESS-DATING-GENERAL

Keep from me Thy loveliest creature, till I prove Jesus’ love infinitely sweeter.

Charles Wesley

Written during his courtship.

The answer to the “Who can I date?” question has two parts: 1. You can date anyone it would be okay to marry; and 2. You can’t date anyone it wouldn’t be okay to marry. Why these rules? Because dating is about marriage. It’s not a search for fun or a search for sex. It’s a search for a suitable marriage partner. Marriage is the state men and women were designed for, not dating. If you merely want to socialize without excluding members of the other sex and without the intention of marriage, okay, but you’re better off doing that in groups. Face it, when a guy’s out with a girl, it’s just not like being out with another guy – not even when they both insist it’s “not a date.”

J. Budziszewski

What does the Bible say about dating? Nothing. And everything! Our challenge is to think biblically about an activity that isn’t in the Bible.

Richard D. Phillips and Sharon L. Phillips

Holding Hands and Holding Hearts, P&R, 2006, p. 12. Used by Permission.

According to the Bible’s perspective, if you are dating you are not just holding hands, you are holding hearts. What you do with your own heart, and what you do with another’s, is a matter of great importance.

Richard D. Phillips and Sharon L. Phillips

Holding Hands and Holding Hearts, P&R, 2006, p. 15. Used by Permission.

A woman needs to know about a man’s background and character before he has worked his way into her heart.

Richard D. Phillips and Sharon L. Phillips

Holding Hands and Holding Hearts, P&R, 2006, p. 117. Used by Permission.

God values them with a great love, and men who think the treatment of a Christian woman’s heart will not affect their own relationship with God are seriously mistaken. She is Daddy’s little girl!

Richard D. Phillips and Sharon L. Phillips

Holding Hands and Holding Hearts, P&R, 2006, p. 76. Used by Permission.

Counsel, prayer and accountability – these are three vital tools for healthy, wholesome dating.

Richard D. Phillips and Sharon L. Phillips

Holding Hands and Holding Hearts, P&R, 2006, p. 119. Used by Permission.

In a dating relationship, a man does not have a right to expect submission from the woman, since this obligation is reserved for marriage. But backtracking this principle into a dating relationship, a man should take it as his responsibility to lead the relationship, ensuring that it honors God and is a blessing to the woman he is dating… Unlike the norm for worldly men, the Christian is not to exploit the woman sexually, emotionally, or otherwise, but to minister to her needs so that she will be blessed.

Richard D. Phillips and Sharon L. Phillips

Holding Hands and Holding Hearts, P&R, 2006, p. 71-72. Used by Permission.

Some specific suggestions for how a Christian man can put these principles into action in a dating relationship:

1. Commit to take the lead in the godliness of your relationship. Read the Bible’s passages about how men and women and all Christians should treat one another. Especially take the lead in establishing boundaries that will keep you from sexual sin. Assume that this woman is going to be your wife or the wife of some other Christian brother (who might be currently dating your future wife). Treat her as the precious sister in Christ that she is.

2. Decide in advance whether or not you are willing to love a woman in the self-sacrificing, nurturing way the Bible describes. Until you are ready to faithfully hold a woman’s heart in your hand, do not enter into a dating relationship.

3. Realizing that God wants you to learn to put her interest ahead of your own, ask her the kinds of things she likes to do and be eager to spend time doing them.

4. Be willing to talk about the relationship. Initiate honest dialogue about how you feel. Do not resent her desire to have the relationship defined, but protect her heart by making your level of commitment clear and thereby making clear the appropriate kind of intimacy to go along with that commitment.

5. Pay attention to her heart. Ask her about her burdens and cares. Seek ways to minister to her and to make her cares your own. Instead of being critical of her, speak words of encouragement and support.

6. Do not be shy in ministering the Word of God to her. Do not preach, but exhort her and call to mind God’s promises and God’s love for her in Jesus Christ. Make it a primary goal that she will be spiritually stronger by having been in a relationship with you.

7. If something about her bothers you, think about how you can encourage her in that area. Realize that none of us is without flaws. Pray for her weakness and try to strengthen her in that area. If your concerns are enough to deter you from wanting to marry her, let her know in a forthright manner while being as considerate as possible.

Richard D. Phillips and Sharon L. Phillips

Holding Hands and Holding Hearts, P&R, 2006, p. 77-78. Used by Permission.

In dating [the Christian woman] helps the man by letting him lead the relationship and honoring God alongside him. She helps him by being respectful of his ideas and his relationship to the Lord. This does not mean going along with a man even if he wants to lead her into sin! But it does mean that she helps him to conduct their relationship in a God-honoring way.

Richard D. Phillips and Sharon L. Phillips

Holding Hands and Holding Hearts, P&R, 2006, p. 79. Used by Permission.

What, then, does submission and respect look like for a woman in a dating relationship? Here are some guidelines:

1. A woman should allow the man to initiate the relationship. This does not mean that she does nothing. She helps! If she thinks there is a good possibility for a relationship, she makes herself accessible to him and helps him to make conversation, putting him at ease and encouraging him as opportunities arise (she does the opposite when she does not have interest in a relationship with a man). A godly woman will not try to manipulate the start of a relationship, but will respond to the interest and approaches of a man in a godly, encouraging way.

2. A godly woman should speak positively and respectfully about her boyfriend, both when with him and when apart.

3. She should give honest attention to his interests and respond to his attention and care by opening up her heart.

4. She should recognize the sexual temptations with which a single man will normally struggle. Knowing this, she will dress attractively but modestly, and will avoid potentially compromising situations. She must resist the temptation to encourage sexual liberties as a way to win his heart.

5. The Christian woman should build up the man with God’s Word and give encouragement to godly leadership. She should allow and seek biblical encouragement from the man she is dating.

6. She should make “helping” and “respecting” the watchwords of her behavior toward a man. She should ask herself, “How can I encourage him, especially in his walk with God?” “How can I provide practical helps that are appropriate to the current place in our relationship?” She should share with him in a way that will enable him to care for her heart, asking, “What can I do or say that will help him to understand who I really am, and how can I participate in the things he cares about?”

7. She must remember that this is a brother in the Lord. She should not be afraid to end an unhealthy relationship, but should seek to do so with charity and grace. Should the relationship not continue forward, the godly woman will ensure that her time with a man will have left him spiritually blessed.

Richard D. Phillips and Sharon L. Phillips

Holding Hands and Holding Hearts, P&R, 2006, p. 85-86. Used by Permission.