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Rules of Engagement: ( R E C O N C I L E D )

R
Respect the relationship more than winning the argument • (Rom. 15:2)
 
E
Enlist Scripture as the final word • (2 Tim. 3:16)
 
C
Concede to each other the benefit of doubt • (Rom. 12:10). Believe and hope all things • (1 Cor. 13:7)
 
O
Only speak the truth in love • (Rom. 8:6-8; Eph. 4:15)
 
N
Never gossip with those not involved in the situation • (2 Cor. 12:20)
 
C
Consider one another with respect, love and dignity • (Eph. 4:32; Col 3:13)
 
I
Involve other people only when agreed upon and absolutely necessary • (Pr. 25:9; Mt. 18:15)
 
L
Let each other have the opportunity to be heard • (Pr. 18:2, 13; Jas. 1:19)
 
E
Earnestly work together until the conflict is resolved • (Rom. 12:18; Phil. 2:1-4)
 
D
Desire God’s glory • (Jos. 22:5; 1 Cor. 10:31) and the testimony of His church as the highest goal • (1 Cor. 6:7; 10:32)

Steps To Resolving Conflict

  1. Go to God in prayer (Eph. 6:18)
    1. Ask God to search your heart (Psm. 139:23-24)
      1. Confess your sins to God (1 Jn. 1:8-9)
      2. "Take the log out of your own eye" (Mt. 7:3-5)
    2. Ask God for humility (Jas. 4:6)
    3. Ask God to help you love the individual (Mt. 5:44-45; Rom. 12:9-10, 21)
    4. Ask God for wisdom (Jas. 1:5)
      1. Correct perception of the situation
      2. Knowing when to go (Ecc. 3:1, 7), what to say (Pr. 15:28) and how to say it (Pr. 15:4, 28; 16:21)
  2. Go to the individual in private (Mt. 5:23-24; 18:15)
    1. Pray together before the meeting begins (Jas. 4:2)
    2. Review and agree upon the "Rules of Engagement"
    3. Come to a mutual agreement on the exact issue of conflict
      1. Deal with one issue at a time
    4. Ask each other to specifically express personal concerns
      1. Confess any necessary sins (Pr. 28:13; Jas. 5:16)
      2. State a plan of repentance to prevent the sin from reoccurring
      3. Make restitution if necessary (Lk. 19:8)
      4. Forgive one another (Mt. 18:21-22; Eph. 4:32)
    5. Mutually determine specific steps necessary to resolve the conflict - be realistic
    6. Restore the peace with others who may have been adversely affected (Eph. 4:3)
    7. Enlist accountability from others if necessary (Pr. 11:14)
    8. End the meeting in prayer (Jas. 5:16)
  3. If the conflict still cannot be resolved:
    1. Seek a mediator (objective outside individual(s) who can hear both sides and offer solutions — (Pr. 11:14)
    2. Seek an arbitrator (same as above, only now the individual(s) offers a binding decision to settle the conflict to be agreed upon by both individuals in conflict — 1 Cor. 6:4)
    3. Seek a witness (most likely one from above) and initiate/continue the process of church discipline (Mt. 18:16-17)

Do’s and Don’t’s of Conflict Resolution

DON’T

  • Assume you know all the facts. Never pass judgment without hearing the other’s side of the story (Pr. 18:17)
  • Betray confidential information to "bolster" your case (Pr. 11:13)
  • Wait for the other person to initiate the resolution process (Mt. 5:23-24)
  • Compromise the Word of God to resolve a conflict (1 Thes. 2:13; 2 Tim. 4:1-4)
  • Minimize sin (Rom. 6:23; Jas. 1:15)
  • Try to read the other’s mind or expect the other person to read your mind. They may be unaware that their actions were wrong and/or hurtful (1 Cor. 13:7)
  • "Unforgive" that which you have previously forgiven someone (Jer. 31:34)
  • Vilify the person. Odds are, they are not as evil as your mind has concocted them to be (Tit. 3:3)
  • Justify your wrongs by the repeated use of blame shifting, excuses and "but" statements (Lk. 14:18)
  • Expect sinless perfection in the other (Rom. 15:1)

DO

  • Take time to cool off and pray (Pr. 29:20)
  • Pursue genuine peace as soon as possible (Rom. 14:19; Heb. 12:14)
  • Control your spirit. Especially be slow to anger (Pr. 12:16; 15:1; 16:32)
  • Keep your emotions in control, but still be sure to express your feelings.
  • Overlook insignificant offenses (Pr. 19:11) unless they are:
    • Dishonoring to God
    • Damaging to the relationship
    • Hurting or might hurt others (including the offender)
  • Trust God for the results, ultimate justice (Rom. 12:19) and His work in the other’s life
  • Attack the issue, not the person (Gal. 5:15; Jas. 4:1-3)
  • Ask Questions. Questions soften the blow and stimulate thinking (Jn. 21:15-17)
  • Reaffirm your love for each other and all that you have in common (Phil. 2:2)
  • Forgive on the basis of one’s statement (1 Cor. 4:5)